I never imagined I’d be hurt by my child as frequently as I am.
I never imagined that I’d be driven to almost complete despair almost every day.
I never imagined that I could love as fiercely and completely as I love Little.
I never imagined that the flashes of love I feel for Big would be so intense.
I never imagined that I’d be awake singing ‘Hush little baby’ most nights around 2.30.
I never imagined that my eldest child letting me stroke her with a cotton ball would reduce me to floods of tears.
I never imagined how much I would have to fight, day after day. Fight to get listened to, fight for support, fight to say, ‘Help.’
I never imagined that I would cry when an OT told me that she could see how much I’d tried to do.
I never imagined that nearly every day I’d wonder if we’re going to make it as a family.
I never imagined that seeing my eldest child manage to answer a question or to wave at someone when she sees them, would make me burst with pride.
I never imagined trauma could be so huge, so vast.
I never imagined that I’d feel such a complex range of emotions about the girls’ birth family.
I never imagined that the word ‘sensory’ would become so important in my life.
I never imagined that I could cry as much as I have.
I never imagined that people wouldn’t believe me. Or that they would say that I’m exaggerating.
I never imagined that I’d be loving someone who cannot show love.
I never imagined that fun would be such a tricky thing.
I never imagined that the sight of a real smile would be so rare and so wonderful.
I never imagined how hard my children would find everything, every single day. And for that, I’m very sorry.
The best bits
On Tuesday night, Big let me brush her hands, arms, feet and legs with a cotton ball. She then let me rub baby lotion into her hands. I think this is the most direct contact she’s had with me for 3 years and 3 months.
Little’s been amazing this week. She has been so loving and kind to us all. Last night when Big was really struggling, she said to me, ‘It’s okay mummy, Big needs you, I’ll be okay on my own.’
Little was AGES in the bathroom this morning. I went to see what she was doing. ‘My feet are soaking wet because I’ve just been drying them. I’ll just dry them with this wet cloth mummy.’