What help do we need?

I really wanted to write a positive piece this week. But I can’t. I can’t because I need to rant and rage and shout and scream.

Ten days ago I phoned our social worker in tears to say ‘help’. Our social worker is lovely and came round that afternoon. We told her what had been going on over the holidays and said that we were currently not managing to cope with the behaviours that Big was displaying and that we felt she needed much more help and support that she was getting.

Our social worker suggested a meeting later in the week with the girls’ social worker and her to discuss how to move things forward. Great we thought. But we’re still waiting. Because I’ve learnt during this process that not all social workers are created equal.

The girls’ social worker has not been in touch for five months. ( I know I could phone her but I’ve stopped trying and just relay everything through our social worker.) As we’re still technically foster carers, everything still goes through her. We’ve had been taken off hospital waiting lists, nearly missed cut of points and had appointments sent through with two days notice because they don’t forward things on.

She does not seem to understand that trauma does not just disappear the second they walk through the adoptive family’s door. She has many helpful phrases such as, ‘Oh it’ll just take time’ and “Oh my boys were like that’ and ‘You need to stop thinking of things like a nursery teacher’. (Part of me agrees with this as unfortunately my brief time as a nursery teacher means I’m now acutely aware of developmental stages and I do find myself thinking ‘She should be able to do this…’ but a part of me also thinks that whatever it is I’m pointing out, I’m pointing them out for Big’s best interests to try to get her the help she needs.)

So, ten days later we’re still waiting. (To even hear from her, never mind anything else.) I’ll try the GP I thought. But the GP has to see her interactions with me and Little before he can refer her anywhere or suggest anything. As she will be impeccably behaved during this session, I’m not sure this will help.

So what help do we need and where do we get it. Big needs help. She has so much anger inside her and she is not able to deal with this. We are not able to deal with this. We need help. As much as, over my years as a primary school teacher, I have developed my ability to be a mother, counsellor, OT, SALT and occasional teacher, depending on what the children in my class have needed at the time, I am currently so far out of my depth that the land isn’t even a dot, it’s disappeared altogether. And I’m struggling.

We are not living in a happy house but to the outside world we are. To the outside world we’re doing a fantastic job and that we just need to ‘keep going’. And that just makes it all the more hard. Part of me really wants people to say, ‘gosh, you look to be having a difficult time, what can we do?’ But they don’t. They see the Big that she presents to the world and wonder why on earth I’m struggling with such a lovely wee girl. It becomes hard to ask for help when no one thinks you need it.

I just asked my husband to read this and asked him how I should end this piece. He suggested ‘SOS’ and a ‘:-)’ to ‘keep it light’. ¬†Unfortunately I’m not really in the mood for ‘keeping it light’…but I might send out that SOS.


8 thoughts on “What help do we need?

  1. {{Hugs}} Rant away, I completely understand where you are coming from. Beeswax is exactly the same when in public (polite, well mannered, articulate young man. Behind closed doors well ……..:-o
    Stick to your guns and trust your instincts. You are the ones who are there with Big, day in day out and will know her best.
    Professionals in my experience get scared when you start flagging up concerns. While trying to explain issues to SW’s I sometimes find that their internal defensive/shame responses kick in and like our children they only hear ‘negativity/blame’ in our comments and so try to offset that back onto ourselves. I have had to use PACE more times than I care to think on Profs and while it doesn’t always change their think. I can at least maintain a degree of sanity myself.

    Thank you for sharing your #WASO post and #TakeCare


  2. Thank you. Although I’m very sorry that you are experiencing the same thing, it’s helpful to know that it’s not just us. We are finally having our meeting tomorrow and I will remember PACE, hopefully sanity will remain!


  3. It’s a long journey and a very frustrating one. Unfortunately people won’t see that you need help as your children will be experts at presenting as ok. It’s their survival.
    Keep being honest through your blog, many of us can relate completely. In fact, if you said all was lovely and light we’d not believe you anyway!
    Hang in there, you’re doing great.


  4. My heart goes out to you. I understand the pain, I can hear it screaming through your words. Keep on pushing both the SW’s and even ask to speak to their managers as the service you are receiving is not good enough. We reached out to Adoption Uk’s support line and used their buddy system when things got really tough here – maybe you could give them a call?


    1. Thank you. I’m definitely going to need to say what we want rather than ask what we can have. I’m very close to making a phone call, just finding it hard to make the first step. (And the time when I don’t have two children hanging off my leg!) Thank you for your message.


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