Lately, I’ve found it quite hard to see the happy thoughts for the trees. This week I have tried really hard to focus on the happy thoughts so it was time to cut down the trees (metaphorically speaking, no trees were harmed in the making of this blog) and think about what happiness the last 9 and a half months have brought us. *
1. We are now a family. Admittedly, it’s nothing like the family that I imagined it would be but then, I’m sure this is true for everyone. It’s a family that needs (a lot of) work and support but it is four people slowly building a life together.
2. The girls enjoy baking. At this point, it’s the eating of the baking that they mainly enjoy but they show an interest in what goes in and ask ‘Can we make…” and this makes me happy.
3. They are both awesome on their scoot bikes. They zip round the forest like they’ve been riding them forever and it is brilliant to watch.
4. After 19 weeks of clinging to us like monkeys (which was good for bonding) and us having to do a complicated ’emperor penguin egg swap’ dance when we swapped them over, the girls are now happy to swim by themselves with the help of noodles and ‘boingy aids’ but still very much keeping near us and it is lovely to see this.
5. Twice now Big has coming running to me when I pick her up from playgroup. As she usually disappears under the table this is a HUGE thing and I struggled to hold back my happy tears.
6. Gin has never tasted so good. In the 15 years that I have been legally allowed to drink, I have never ‘needed’ a drink. 5 weeks into placement and I asked Mr L to go out to buy ‘something with alcohol’ in it. A gin and tonic on a Friday night has become my signal to two days of 2:2 parenting and I savour every sip!
Being only at the beginning of this journey, I know that things are not going to magically get better. I know that things are likely to get harder. I know that things might go okay for a while and then we’ll have a blip and we’ll wonder how we’ll get through it. But I hope that we will. Because this week I’ve realised, because several people have asked me, that they are our family now and that I will do everything I can to ensure that we stay that way.
This is not to say that we’re not going to need support to do it and I’m certainly going to have to learn to be more direct when I ask for things and not assume that people should just ‘get it’. (And I’m really sorry but it doesn’t mean that I’m not going to use this blog to rant and rage because I probably will.) But it does mean that I can see some happy thoughts and that I have to remember these and hold on to them. And also to breathe and to drink gin.
* Apart from the mid week rant about an incompetent social worker. Sorry about that.