It’s strange that being repeatedly being hurt by our eldest child has actually made us feel closer.
There hasn’t yet been much repair after a violent episode but there has been enough to suggest that actually we might just get there. A wee hug that lasts just seconds longer than it used to, a second of eye contact where once there was none, listening to us as we’re saying, ‘it’s okay, we’re here now’.
So we’re tentatively feeling…something. I hesitate to use the word okay because I would like to remain a bit more of an optimist that at some point in the future the violence in our lives will decrease. (I’m not saying disappear but we’re hoping for less frequent.) I’m hoping that we can look back at this time and think, ‘gosh things have changed’, so I really hope in a way that this isn’t our ‘okay’ phase but our getting towards ‘okay’ and that our wee girl can one day begin to open up to us and let us help her in any way we can.
This week we have been on Big’s playgroup trip. We went to a farm park. It’s the first time I’ve taken the girls anywhere, together, on my own other than the library or to playgroup since Easter so I was quite worried about it. They did really well while we were there (lots at home after but that’s okay) and I managed. I did nearly 7 hours by myself in a place we’d not been to before and I managed. And actually, the girls both wanted to have lunch with me and we sat somewhere different. Normally Big would be doing everything she could to sit with someone else so this was a big thing. I think she actually realised that she needed a wee break but couldn’t say that but still, the fact that she did this is another big thing.
So we go into the summer holidays feeling slightly more…something. You’ll be able to tell from my next post about how they’re going!
The best bits
On the trip, playgroup paid for the children to choose either ‘the choo choo train’ or a donkey ride. Big chose a donkey ride. I was terrified that she would desperately want to do it, but not be able to or have a ‘moment’ and something might happen to the donkey (a rabbit had already ended up on the floor) but she did really well and was very calm and smiley. Think when she’s older equine therapy is something we’re definitely going to look into.
We’ve started a ‘best bits’ book with the girls where they tell us their best bits each day. Twice this week, Little has said her best bit is ‘I like my mummy”. Now, I know she’s only two and her best bits are probably quite a tricky concept for her but I’m taking the ‘I like my mummy’ and running with them!
On the ‘I like my mummy’ theme, this week poor Little got stung about 7 times. She was so upset and actually cuddled in, (she’s not a fan of cuddles) and sat with me apart from everyone else. At one point she said, “Lie down mummy.” I laid down and she lay on down on top of me. She then said in my ear, “I love you mummy.”