Out of my depth…

Apologies, it’s another whiny one.

Today is the first day that I felt genuinely out of my depth. Properly, lying on the floor crying, completely and utterly out of my depth. I couldn’t see how we could possible get out of what we were experiencing. I was unable to absorb all the things she was throwing at me. Her trauma has filled me up and there is no more space.

From wakening, we’ve had violence and aggression. Scary violence, that made me feel unsafe in our house. On top of what’s happened already this week. I wasn’t able to keep Little safe and I wasn’t able to keep myself safe. I couldn’t hold her, I couldn’t contain her and I couldn’t remotely calm her. Whatever it was that she needed today, I couldn’t give it to her.

Over the last few weeks, we’ve had many changes in routines and this is clearly the route of what’s happening. But routines will change. Things we can plan for but there will be unknowns. And I don’t want each unknown to result in her holding a blanket over my face and pressing down.

At the moment, she’s 4. So it’s manageable. But she’s 18kg of 4 and I’m finding it harder to contain her and help her when she needs it.

Going by previous comments, the psychologist would say that I need to keep her closer, that I have missed something. But for a year and four months, she’s been close. Apart from playgroup, there has not been a second that she hasn’t been with me. And I am getting better at reading her but I couldn’t today or this week.

Two seconds after something has happened, it’s like she’s forgotten it. (I’m not saying she has but on the surface it appears that way.) I’m left reeling and she’s giggling and asking for a story. There is no discussion, no calm time together. I do my best to repair but she can’t manage to talk about it at all.

She needs more from me than I have at the moment. And I’m not sure where it’s going to come from. I’m incredibly conscious that Little is witnessing all this. I’m at a loss as how to give them both what they individually need. Hopefully we’ll work it out.

On to tomorrow. We have a plan, we’re dividing and conquering, we’re biking, we’re walking. Fingers crossed.

So there we go, another very self indulgent whiny post. After last week you’d think I’d have more empathy not less but it seems not.

The best bits

We went to see the red deer this morning and they loved it. Little amused another family that were in the hide by telling them that, ‘That boy deer has a beard. Not a big beard though, just a little one.’

Little built a ‘olcano’ with the duplo. It was amazing. She talked about the fire coming out of it and everything.


5 thoughts on “Out of my depth…

  1. I’m so sorry things are so hard at the moment. Feeling scared in your own home is really not on.
    I hope your getting good post adoption support? Support for secondary trauma?

    I wonder if it may be worth considering/looking in to foetal Alcohol syndrome?

    I think your plan for tomorrow sounds good, I’m sending you virtual hugs and strength my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you. I spoke to the psychologist about foetal alcohol last time we were there. She seems very keen to focus on the attachment side of things at the moment but will highlight it again I think. Thank you for virtual hugs.

      Liked by 1 person

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