‘Conceal don’t feel…’

I’m a bit late writing this week for many reasons, one of which is that I knew what I wanted to call this post but my tired brain couldn’t remember how to spell conceal.

As we were watching Frozen for the seventh million time, Big asked, ‘Why does Elsa not come out of the room?’ My husband answered with, ‘Because she’s scared. She’s got something to tell and she doesn’t know how to tell people about it. She thinks people won’t like her when they find out.’

Every time we have watched it since, Big has asked the question and we have given various answers around the same theme. One night at tea this week Big asked the same question, we gave a variant of the answer then she said, ‘That’s like me. I don’t want to talk about things.’

This is one of the very, very few times that we have had any kind of recognition from Big about ‘things’.

Imagine being 4 and a half and knowing that you have things that you don’t want to talk about. That you feel you have to keep behind a locked door. That you’re so guarded in every conversation for fear of what it might reveal.

It must be terrifying and lonely and bewildering and many other emotions that as adults we would struggle to deal with. And she’s four and a half and dealing with it.

Of course, she does feel and though she thinks she’s concealing she’s not. Although she’s not telling us much, she’s showing us an awful lot and the look on her face when I tell her what she’s thinking or feeling is brilliant. It’s a mixture of ‘I want to hurt you’ and ‘huh, I guess you do know some stuff’.

We just hope that one day the ‘I want to hurt you’ face becomes less and that she begins to trust us to talk about ‘things’.

The best bits

We went to a friend’s house yesterday. He asked Big a question and she answered. As he said, ‘that’s the first time she’s done that!’ We were very happy.

We took the side of Little’s cot off a few weeks ago. She’s started wakening again (a lot) in the night and while this in itself is not a good thing, the fact that she comes straight into our room is lovely. It feels like she knows we’ll help.

And one last thing…

I’ve been thinking a lot recently that while I write a whiny post every week about how I’m struggling, there are a lot of people out there who are campaigning and fighting for real change within the adoption community. People who are speaking at government level about what adopters and adoptees need, people who are fighting for change in schools, people who are facilitating conversations on Twitter, people who are providing so much support for others and doing it while raising their own families. So I just wanted to say thank you to them because they’ve certainly helped me. Thank you.

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