It might not sound it, but beginning to paint the hall ceiling is a very positive step for me. I think (hope) it means that I’m coming back a bit.
For the last eighteen months I’ve been so consumed by the girls and what they need from me that I haven’t been able to think about anything else.
I used to do things in the house all the time. Not huge things but I like having something on the go. I like making things. I make cushions, I knit blankets, I make cards. And I’ve made a few cushions for me recently and one for a friend. I’m reading again. Not books about trauma or adoption (though they’re still there) but fiction. I’ve done a bit of baking, just for fun. I’ve been on my turbo, which I love and loathe in equal amounts but I feel good after. Things that were always a big part of me but disappeared.
I realise in the grand scheme of things that eighteen months really isn’t that long but it’s felt that way. On my first session the counsellor said that she felt like she needed to breathe for me. The last time I went, she said that she still felt she needed to but not quite as much.
I’ve found it so hard to not put every piece of me into this. I’m sure everyone does. I’ve felt that if I just try a bit harder, Big will smile at me. If I just do this with them, she’ll feel happier here. But I’m realising that, for Big and I, it’s going to be a long, long journey.
I don’t know whether things have been better recently or whether I’m just getting used to how things are for us but over the last two weeks, I’ve definitely felt a bit lighter. This can only be a good thing for us as a family.
Of course, I’m now beginning to wish that I’d picked something other than the hall ceiling to start on but I’ve done it now. Hopefully in two weeks we will have a white ceiling instead of dark wood. Maybe that’s where the lighter feeling is coming from?
The best bits
We took the girls orienteering this weekend. They did a 1km course and really enjoyed it. Little was up on my shoulders at one point, as soon as she saw a control, her legs were running ready to get down to go and ‘beep’ it!
Both girls put their faces in the water this week at the swimming pool. Huge step for them.