This week I met someone that I don’t see very often. I met them within a professional capacity but she asked how we were getting on so I talked a little bit about how things are.
When I’d finished, she patted me on the knee and said, ‘Oh but you wouldn’t have it any other way.’
And it made me think, if I’d just told her that my husband was hitting me, throwing things at me, scratching me, biting me, nipping me, or telling me that he wanted another wife, would the response be the same?
Because actually, if I’m honest, I would have it other ways.
I would have it that my children hadn’t had to suffer so much.
I would have it that my eldest child didn’t feel that I was going to be the next to ‘give up on her.’
I would have it that my eldest child could say the things she needed to say rather than having to show me through violence and aggression.
I would have it that Little didn’t eat or chew on everything that wasn’t nailed down. ( A gate today…)
I would have it that Big could find some joy in things and not feel that she had to hide every emotion away in case the scary ones make it to the surface.
I would have it that we could be a bit more spontaneous as a family and not have to have every day planned to the finest detail.
I would have it that my eldest looked vaguely pleased to see me when I pick her up from nursery.
I would have it that the team supporting my children understood more of what was required of them and hadn’t told my children they were being adopted by my husband and myself after they had sat in a meeting with us for 45 minutes.
I would have it that I didn’t have to explain the impact of trauma to every professional that I meet.
I would have it that I didn’t have to tell Big what’s for lunch as soon as she’s finished her breakfast. (Even though it’s on the timetable!)
I would have it that seeing friends and family didn’t cause such disregulation. Because I need my friends and family at the moment.
I would have it that I could do the right thing for both my children and not feel like I’m constantly failing one. (Or, let’s be honest, both.)
I would have it that, although I know why this is the case, all the things that happen didn’t just happen at home so that other people could understand what we’re working on as a family rather than taking at face value the ‘smiling happy girl’ they see.
I would have it that I wasn’t constantly fearful that Little is going to get seriously injured by Big.
I would have it that I wasn’t so hyper vigilant, constantly looking and listening for signs and signals that my children are feeling unsure and are about to meltdown.
I would have it that both my children could access the support they need.
But this person didn’t mean that. She meant, ‘Oh you wouldn’t have any different children.’ And she’s right, I wouldn’t.
The best bits
Little was really poorly last week. I was so worried about her. She’s lost a lot of weight so seeing her eat again was amazing. And eat she is! I’m probably going to have the reverse problem soon and am going to have to cut her back but for now I’m letting her enjoy it!
We went to the beach on Sunday and played a wee game of rugby. It was quite possibly one of the funniest things I have ever seen. They tackled us and scored tries and raced along the beach. At the end of the day, Big said she had enjoyed it. For her to reflect on something we’d done was brilliant. I didn’t make too much fuss (even though I wanted to) and said ‘thank you for sharing that with us.’
The girls both rode their pedal bikes on Sunday. They were awesome. Big’s been doing it for a while so Little obviously thought, ‘anything you can do…” and off she went!