I know what I’m supposed to do today.
I’m supposed to be accepting of the fact that my eldest child can’t cope with days like today.
I’m supposed to be accepting that days like today will make her think of her birth mother.
I know I’m suppose to accept that this is about my need to be a mother, not her need to have one.
I’m supposed to be accepting of the fact that she will communicate this through either indifference or violence.
I know I’m supposed to think of the girls’ birth mother, because without her, I wouldn’t get to be a mother.
I know that I don’t need a card and flowers to be a mother. (Big gave the card she made to Little.)
But, as the counsellor said on my first session, I’m also allowed to grieve the fact that Big can’t allow me to fulfil my need to be a mother.
Today, she has either called me by my first name or by nothing. We’ve not mentioned that today is anything other than Sunday. There’s been nothing different for breakfast, nothing different going on, but she knows. And she’ll know all day.
So I am going to do all the things I’m supposed to do. But I’m also going to feel a little bit sad that I’m not the mother that I want to be. And that I can’t always be the person she needs me to be.
And now I’m going to go on my bike and stop feeling sorry for myself and try and be whatever it is she needs me to be today.