Supposed to do

I know what I’m supposed to do today.

I’m supposed to be accepting of the fact that my eldest child can’t cope with days like today.

I’m supposed to be accepting that days like today will make her think of her birth mother.

I know I’m suppose to accept that this is about my need to be a mother, not her need to have one.

I’m supposed to be accepting of the fact that she will communicate this through either indifference or violence.

I know I’m supposed to think of the girls’ birth mother, because without her, I wouldn’t get to be a mother.

I know that I don’t need a card and flowers to be a mother. (Big gave the card she made to Little.)

But, as the counsellor said on my first session, I’m also allowed to grieve the fact that Big can’t allow me to fulfil my need to be a mother.

Today, she has either called me by my first name or by nothing. We’ve not mentioned that today is anything other than Sunday. There’s been nothing different for breakfast, nothing different going on, but she knows. And she’ll know all day.

So I am going to do all the things I’m supposed to do. But I’m also going to feel a little bit sad that I’m not the mother that I want to be. And that I can’t always be the person she needs me to be.

And now I’m going to go on my bike and stop feeling sorry for myself and try and be whatever it is she needs me to be today.

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6 thoughts on “Supposed to do

  1. This feels like it could have been written by any of us and has been written for all of us! So although you may feel it was self-indulgent – thank you for voicing this on our behalf.
    Your counsellor is right of course, we are allowed to grieve and feel all those other difficult feelings, just like we try to encourage our children to do. In fact we have to, it’s all part of selfcare, because if we don’t, how on earth are we going to manage our kids’ big feelings?!
    And you are definitely right, we don’t need a card and flowers to be mothers, you’re a wonderful, amazing mum who gives more every day than many mums do!
    If you didn’t feel that overwhelming primal need to be a mother your girls wouldn’t have one. You may not be perfect but you are exactly what they need a mother to be. xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your lovely comment. The post was a reaction to our ‘interesting’ morning and I sometimes wonder whether I moan too much about our life! We’ve been on a walk this afternoon and she held by hand for about 5 seconds so that was nice. Thank you again for your kind words xx

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  2. It must be a tough day for you and your girls. Society, schools, TV make such a fuss of today, there is no escape really, and I realise that for many this Sunday turns out to be a very difficult day.

    My son is still very little, and he doesn’t yet understand about Mother’s day, but I wonder how today will turn out in a few years. In all honesty, it does scares me a little.

    When I’m having a bad day and my little boy is difficult to handle, I try to concentrate on all the precious good moments, on all that small things that made me smile, and made me feel like a was a good mum.

    Hung in there, today will soon be over.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your lovely comment. We’ve had a tough week due to all the talk at nursery so we decided just to completely ignore it today and that helped her, just left me feeling sad! Little hugged me though. Thank you for your kind words x

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