Second class mum

I need to point out straight away that I don’t feel like the title of this blog but some things have happened recently that have made me wonder whether other people view me in this way.

My husband was chatting to his friend about another friend of theirs who died (a long time ago.) My husband mentioned that that friend was adopted and the friend he was chatting too replied, “No, that can’t be right, his dad was really upset when he died.” My husband looked at his friend and said, “Well, he would be, wouldn’t he?”

My husband’s friend apologised but it was obvious that he thought the grief of adoptive parents would be less than for parents who have given birth.

When I’ve told people that Big is adopted, a few people have asked me, ‘Is the little one yours?’, like Big isn’t. This is maybe down to the wording of the sentence but I wonder if that’s how people really see it? I didn’t give birth to her so she’s not ‘mine’?

Two colleagues of mine that went off on maternity leave around the same time as I went of on adoption leave were thrown ‘baby showers’, had presents presented in assembly and were made to feel really special on their last days. I got nothing. Obviously it’s quite materialistic to compare but it did hurt a bit at the time.

I’m very open with people about my children being adopted. We live in a small place and I think most people must know anyway but I do sometimes wonder if that changes people’s views about me as a parent somehow. Do they think I’m not the same as them?

These are just musings after a few months of things happening. Maybe, presenting a mum to be with no bump a bunch of flowers would have caused too many questions for the other children to ask their teachers. Maybe people don’t know the right language to use and that’s why it comes out wrong or they don’t ask at all. Maybe this is all in my head and people don’t mean anything by it. But sometimes it feels like they do.

The best bits

Big giggled! She was playing rugby in the garden with my brother and she giggled. It was lovely and she was so happy. She didn’t try to control, she just enjoyed running round the garden chasing my brother and Little. Definitely a moment to store away.

Little rode her pedal bike. She’s been nearly there for a wee while there but on Saturday she rode it by herself properly. Her wee face was beaming!


3 thoughts on “Second class mum

  1. So many adopters have the same experience. Some people either don’t have the words or the emotional capacity to try and empathise. I’ve mostly been lucky. I was made to feel special by work colleagues and friends but I have had some challenging comments to wade through. I’ve learned to be the teacher and educate people about their DHAC (don’t have a clue) comments. I have a steely glance that I’ve also adopted just to ensure my message hits home. Generally though I don’t think people mean to be hurtful or insensitive, they really haven’t had the opportunity to consider adoption in depth.


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