This afternoon, I packed a bag with things in for Little to do, with snacks and drinks and spare snacks and we set off to walk to football.

We calmly got shoes on, then two of us calmly got coats on while the other had to be persuaded (bribed) into hers and off we went.

It wasn’t until we got to the top of the hill that I realised neither of them had reins on and then I realised that I hadn’t even thought about them.

And then I realised it was because I felt okay. I felt like I could do this. And it’s the first time that I’ve really felt like that. I didn’t feel like I was pretending to do this, I felt like I was actually doing it.

For a long time, especially with Big, it’s felt like I’ve been waiting for somebody to tap me on the shoulder and say, ‘Actually, you’re really not very good at this, we need to find somebody who can do it better than you.’ And up until now, I probably would have agreed. But today I would have said, ‘Nope, I can do this okay thank you. Not perfectly, by any stretch of the imagination but okay.’ And I think that’s okay. *

Big still didn’t speak to me or look at me when I picked her up, Little still refused to wear even close to the amount of clothes actually required, we still had at least three meltdowns but we’re doing okay. April was a tricky month, we went back many, many steps but May feels like it could be, it just might be, okay.

*I’m aware that by next week/tomorrow/the next hour this might change and I’ll be looking over my shoulder again for the person coming to tell me I can’t manage but I’m going to recognise the good today.

The best bits

We’ve spent a lot of time in various woods over the weekend. It made me realise how much the girls have come on. Big ran up some very uneven steps and Little stopped at a steep bank and waited for one of us to come and help, both massive steps forward.

Having the both of us here for three days has made the girls more relaxed. They’ve played a little bit by themselves again, something that they haven’t done for a while, they smiled a bit and the house has felt a bit calmer. I’m hoping that with less happening this month (besides a birthday…) we’ll be able to help the girls feel a bit more settled again.

Little found my high heels over the weekend. I haven’t had them on since they came and her face was a picture. Little loves making noise and the ‘clip clop’ on the laminate floors was making her so happy. I can’t honestly say it was making me happy but her wee face was a picture.


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