I’ve been trying really hard recently to focus on the positives. And there have been many. But things are not great here.
Sometimes I’m absolutely shattered. This is for many reasons, Little not sleeping, Little currently not wanting to walk anywhere, physical bouts of helping Big… But I think one of the main reasons is because, like all parents who parent a child who cannot identify or talk about feelings and emotions, I spend the whole day identifying and talking about them for them.
My brain feels to have two parts, my own and Big’s. I spend so much time saying, “I think you’re feeling sad because…”, “I wonder if you’re hitting me because…”, “Do you think you might be biting me because…”
My brain is processing for two people because one of my children can’t manage to do this, so I do it for her. My brain plans scenarios, it looks ahead to see what challenges there may be, it works out exit strategies, it makes difficult decisions about saying no to things.
The brain power involved in just getting Big from the bedroom to the kitchen for breakfast is huge. The amount of forward planning, strategising and talking to get her from one place to the next is exhausting. And it’s like that for every transition throughout the day.
I know that this is helping. She is beginning to ask questions, she’s being a bit closer when we sit, she will let me talk about these things for a bit before she tells me to ‘SHUT UP’ but I’ve only been doing it for 23 months and my brain is screaming for a rest.
I find myself agreeing to things, then the Big part of my brain will kick in and I have to say, “On second thoughts I don’t think we can manage…”
I know that this is what we need to do and I will, but I wish my brain had a little bit more space. Maybe one day, Big will hit me and say, “I did that because I’m very cross about..” but until that day arrives, I’ll keep saying, “I wonder if you did that because…”
The best bits
Little went in the sea! She still was NOT going to touch the sand but I carried her down the beach and in she went.
We went for a picnic next to a river last week. By the end of the afternoon, Big was sliding down the wee rock slides and had a big smile on her face.