I know that this is not about me, I know it’s about a scared little girl but oh my goodness I wish she could talk to me.
Usually I’m quite good at mind reading. I can say the right ‘I wonders’, I can do the right empathic commentary, I can comment on what it is but today I am at a loss. It’s probably a combination of a whole host of things but I cannot hit upon the right combination and we’re just bouncing from one meltdown to another.
Big never talks to me. There is never any reflection or words after an incident. I say the things I say but she never says anything. And I know she can’t. I do know that. But two years of living with someone who doesn’t talk to you is hard.
Big doesn’t ask for anything. If we go out for a walk I have to remember to give her a drink because I know she won’t ask. But sometimes I forget and then when she gulps all her drink down at snack or the next meal, I feel really guilty that she was obviously really thirsty but couldn’t ask me for a drink. She doesn’t ask to do things, I choose things and hope she likes them but then she doesn’t comment about them so I never know. She doesn’t ask for favourite foods or films. If she’s hurt she won’t tell me or let me help. (She had tonsillitis and didn’t tell me that she was in pain, when she fell outside nursery I had to get the nursery staff to check her head as she wouldn’t let me.)
And I know that this is where we’re at. And I need to keep honing my mind reading abilities but I wish she could tell me. Because I do worry that I’m failing this child. She’s still living with someone that she cannot communicate with, she’s feeling very scary emotions and isn’t able to share them with anybody, she still feels that she has to deal with everything by herself. I worry that (like today) when I get so frustrated that she won’t let me help, that I end up shouting, that I’m undoing any tiny steps forward we’ve made.
Anyone got a spare crystal ball?