I’ve realised this holiday that I’m really struggling to not take things personally.
When Big takes out all her ‘fight’ on me, I take it personally.
When she won’t say good morning to me, I take it personally.
When she won’t let me hug her, kiss her or hold her hand, I take it personally.
When I’m trying to help her understand her feelings and she tells me to ‘SHUT UP STINKY’, I take it personally.
When she doesn’t feel safe enough to fall asleep with me in the bedroom or safe enough to fall asleep in the car, I take it personally.
When she hurts me and there is never any acknowledgement of it happening, I take it personally.
When I do something special for her and it’s never mentioned, I take it personally.
Most of me knows that it isn’t ‘me’ that she’s so angry at. She’s angry with me because of things that happened in the first three years of her life before she came to me. She’s angry at me because of the figure I represent in her life. She’s angry because it feels easier to be angry than it is to be vulnerable.
But at the moment, I’m really struggling to not feel that it’s about me. Because it’s only me that sees this side of her. And I don’t quite know how to stop. And I need to because it really is affecting how I can be with her. I’m struggling to go from a punch in the face to reading a story with nothing in between. Our relationship is struggling because I’m still looking for something to come back. My brain understands that this isn’t going to happen but my heart keeps looking for it.
I read somewhere about visual reminders being quite powerful and I think I need to have something to remind me to take a deep breath and remember that Big isn’t able to send it back yet. If you ever see me staring at a blue star and taking many deep breaths, I’ll be trying really hard to remember.
The best bits
This week we met up with another adoptive family. It was so lovely to watch our children playing together, to watch them enjoying themselves but to have to the other person really understand the dynamics without having to explain it. The girls had so much fun, Big has talked about them since and Little’s best bit was seeing ‘them ova girls’!
We went to a farm this weekend and met up with another friend and her wee boy. Again, it was nice to see the girls playing but the best bit was seeing Little hold the guinea pigs. She was so calm and was there for about 15 minutes, brushing them and feeding them. When they moved or squeaked she giggled so loudly and had the biggest smile on her face.