If I’m being very honest, being with Big is not very easy for a lot of the time. She is oppositional, she hurts me, she is rude to me, she doesn’t let me near her very often and she cannot let me help her.
Each day feels like a small series of battles that we need to survive. A series of tests that I usually feel like I’ve failed.
With Little, love came so fast and so easily. When I saw her, I loved her. It took some time for her to love me but I do really feel that she does.
With Big, it didn’t come fast and easily. There are some days (again if I’m being very honest) that I don’t feel it at all. But then I get these flashes. And these flashes are so powerful that I can’t breathe when they happen.
When I see her genuinely smile. When she lets me hug her or sit next to her. When she accepts my help. When she shares a part of her day with me. When these things happen, I feel it.
I’m so sorry that this is the way it is between us. It is something I go to bed thinking about every night. That I can’t do better for her, that I can’t help her, that I can’t help her to feel safe here. But those flashes keep us going. I really hope that she has these flashes too. I hope that she feels an occasional bolt of love and that they help her feel a bit better about things.
Because I love my Big girl. It is a very different love than I ever thought I would have for my child but it is there.
The best bits
Grannie and Grandad are here this week. We went for a (very) long walk today and Big walked all the way without any complaints. I was so proud of her. (It was a flash moment.)
Little has been playing ‘lympics’ a lot this week. She has been having medal ceremonies, she has been congratulating people and she has enjoyed finding out about the different sports. She likes it when the ‘girls’ win, and has been seeking out (making me seek out) the women’s events. She has decided that she could be a kayaker, a runner or a swimmer. “That’s what I’ll win mummy.”