It’s been said before but I’m going to say it again. Love is a verb.
Currently, I am doing all the doing and I’m finding it very hard. When you love someone who is unable to accept or show love, it (for me) becomes so hard to keep doing it. When you try everyday to show someone how much they are loved and what they do in return is cause you pain, it’s hard.
And I know that Big chose none of this. She has no reason to have to love me. She didn’t ask for a new mummy. And I also know that this is about me accepting that this is what she can manage.
But it’s hard.
When you can never have a conversation with someone. When you can never have a cuddle with someone. When you can never share a look or a smile.
When you go to comfort and it is met by a kick or a punch. When you try to voice feelings and it is met by hands over mouth and screaming. When you try desperately everyday to help someone feel safe and it is met with rejection. When real feelings are hidden from others and only shown to me.
And my brain understands this. My brain knows that she has to do this to feel safe. That she has been let down by so many adults in her life that the only way for her to now feel safe is to do it herself.
And I know that the way to help her is to keep doing it. To keep being there. To keep loving.
But my heart is struggling just now. I can feel myself closing off, protecting myself and I don’t quite know how to stop it.
Acceptance is tricky. It has many layers to it. Accepting where things are just now is what I need to do. I just need a bit of help getting there.