The last month has been really hard here. So hard that I’ve not even really talked about it on Twitter. And if I’m not even talking about it with people that I know will understand, things are not good.
Big has told me nearly everyday ‘YOU DON’T LOVE ME’. And I’m so worried that she’s going to grow up never having felt loved or safe.
I’m not going to lie, the love took a long time to come but it’s there now. But I’m obviously not doing a good job of showing her. And she’s not able to feel it.
For the last four weeks, none of us have felt safe in the house. Big’s fear which shows itself as anger has taken over. Little is terrified, she won’t be on her own at any time and we are struggling to give both girls even a fraction of what they need.
And I don’t know how to make it different. I don’t know how to help Big any more than we are (because I do think we’re helping. We’re not perfect and some days we’re far from perfect but we are helping.) I don’t know how to help the girls feel safe. I don’t know how to help Little sleep. I don’t know how to help Big feel loved.
And the overriding feeling is, that I should know. How can I not be helping her? How can she feel as terrified as she does? How am I doing things so badly that she doesn’t feel able to come to me?
Poor Big is really struggling just now. And we’re really struggling to help her. And I just don’t know what to do.