The bad guy

I’ve been feeling like the bad guy a lot recently.

Like when the teacher at school tells me that Big is doing really well and I have to tell her that actually, she’s pretending she’s doing really well because that’s easier than looking at people or answering questions or communicating in any way.

Or when I have to take Big away from places early because I can see that she’s not managing. (Other people tend to look at me like I’m the bad guy at this point because, ‘Oh, she’s fine…’)

And when I have to take Little away from places early because Big can’t manage. It feels sometimes that she never gets to experience things fully, it’s always a half experience. A ‘let’s try and do as much as we can because we’re not going to be here for much longer’ experience.

Or when I can’t seem to make it even vaguely okay for either of them. When Big’s dysregulation causes Little to feel terrified and I’m not able to help Big and therefore not able to help Little.

Sometimes I’m made to feel like the bad guy. Like in a meeting when everyone was very pleased with how they were doing. It was only me that apparently needed to do more.

Or when I’m trying to explain things to extended family or friends and the unspoken spoken is ‘You need to be doing more, you need to do things differently, you need to be more relaxed’ etc etc.

Or when I’m at the hospital and I can’t answer questions about my children’s early life experiences and the doctor looks at me as if to say ‘What kind of a mother doesn’t know if her child had ear infections as a baby.’

Sometimes adoption makes me feel like the bad guy. Trying to marry my experience of becoming a mum to the girls experience of losing theirs is hard.

Making decisions that I know my children need me to make for them is hard. I don’t like being the one who has to say, ‘you can’t manage this right now’. I don’t like being the one who has to say to people ‘SHE IS NOT FINE!’ over and over again. I don’t like bursting people’s bubble when they think they’ve given Big a lovely time. But I have to. Because sometimes feeling like the bad guy means that I’m doing good things. I’m helping my children when no one else is. I just wish that sometimes I got to be the good guy.

The best bits

The girls went on the double tag along this weekend. I nipped out for a walk when they went. As I was coming back I heard a ‘MUMMY! Look!’ I turned round and Little was pedalling with no hands and a huge smile. She then made my husband stop the bike and she ran along the pavement to me. It was lovely.

We watched Trolls this weekend. It’s always risky watching a new film but the girls cuddled up under a blanket together and watched the whole thing. It was nice seeing them be together.

 

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2 thoughts on “The bad guy

  1. You’re not the bad guy. But, I get how it can feel that way.
    Taking the children away before things go wrong is – of course – perfect timing!
    It sounds like Big needs you to do the tricky work of telling others when she’s unhappy. You’re taking the brunt of the awkwardness for her. Not a fun job, but it’s good that she has you there to do it.
    I like the way you put it ‘feeling like the bad guy means that [you’re] doing good things’. I think that’s exactly it!
    Hope you feel more like the good guy.

    Liked by 1 person

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