In our sessions with the psychologist we are currently talking about Big’s life story. This is something that we definitely needed to do but is proving tricky for many reasons.
Big’s story before she came to us is not an easy one. It involves many people and places. It involves people that were involved for a short time and people that were involved that it’s very hard to explain to a nearly 6 year old, why they were involved at all. Crucially, it doesn’t involve a key figure.
It’s also tricky because for many of these people and places, we have no real records or photographs. No wee anecdotes about things that Big enjoyed doing. No favourite games that she liked to play, no favourite toys or stories. So much of her story is missing. It’s like trying to read a story and discovering key pages are missing. Key pieces that go on to inform what happens next.
It’s tricky because Big is still unable to talk about any of this. I have no idea if I’m answering questions that she needs answering or if I’m creating thousands of new ones that are swirling round her head.
It’s tricky because when she can’t talk about it, Big resorts to hurting. So we’ve been hurt a lot recently. Little especially because she’s part of a lot of Big’s story. Little being there forces Big to remember. And that’s hard.
It’s tricky because apparently Little doesn’t get a life story. For all we’ve not much of Big’s, we’ve even less of Little’s. So I’m desperately trying to tell a story with no pictures and lots of words. Tricky for a 4 year old.
It’s tricky because Big has realised that where she can’t talk or ask questions, Little can. So Little is asking the hard stuff.
It’s tricky because I don’t have a lot of the answers. And it’s tricky because most of the answers are not easy ones to give. I have no answers about ‘what was I like when I was a baby?’ because I don’t know. And the questions I can answer are the ones that cause a tear or a hardening of the face or a thump or a kick.
It’s tricky. But hopefully with telling it, it becomes less of a ‘story’. There are parts of the girls lives that I really wish were a story but they aren’t. The experiences they lived through were real, the people that were with them were real, they are a part of their lives.
I’m sorry that I don’t have more of their lives to share. Maybe in the future we’ll be able to find the missing pages and they can find out what we don’t know. But for just now, I’m hoping that by telling the stories that we do know, it’s helping a little bit.
The best bits
Little told me that she can feel love in her tummy. ‘It’s all for you mummy, I can feel it.’ She made me a heart to keep in my pocket so I can keep her love with me.
We watched Trolls again on Friday. At the end of it, Big got up and started dancing. She looked so free and happy and it was so spontaneous. She then let me join in and we spent a lovely 5 minutes twirling and dancing about. A perfect end to the week.