Today I showed a photo to the girls. It was a photo of their birth mother.
With Big it was during a therapy session. With a psychologist, me and my husband.
With Little it was with me.
For Big, it was a photo of her with her birth mother, taken during a contact session.
For Little it was the same photo with Big taken out and the photo blown up. Because that is the only photo we have of their birth mother. We have no photos of Little as a baby.
Big said nothing.
Little asked if her birth mummy still loved her. She asked where her birth mummy was now. She said that she had nice earrings. She said that she looks a bit like me. She said that she was pretty. She asked where the rest of her was. (The photo is just of her face.)
Big has growled at me and glared at me and pushed me.
Little has kept a hand on me since. She has cried for 2 hours. She has said she is sad.
Big has said nothing.
Little has said that she is happy she saw the photo. She is sad but she is happy.
I cannot imagine what it feels like for Big just now. To see a photo of her birth mum and not be able to talk about it. To not be able to draw comfort from anyone. To feel like she has to manage this on her own still.
I’ve done a lot of talking to the space around her. I’ve done a lot of talking through Little. I’ve done a lot of ‘I think that might have made you feel…’. But I haven’t been able to talk to her. And she hasn’t been able to talk to me.
Little and I have cried a lot today. Little has come for comfort and she’s sensed that I’ve needed a bit too. But Big hasn’t been able to.
I have no idea whether this has helped Big today or simply given her a thousand more questions that she cannot ask. That are now whirling round her head. I have a feeling this week is going to be hard. I’m sure the questions will come out in a non-verbal way.
They say a picture says a thousand words. But for one of my children, at the moment, she isn’t able to say one.
The best bits
We went to the beach on Saturday and we went adventuring. We found a giant’s seat, a jungle and lots of rope swings. We had fun.
On Friday we went to the park after school. One of Little’s friends was there. They played pirates together for ages and it really was lovely to watch. (I took on the role of the shark and performed it brilliantly.)