Conversations

So far this week I have had a conversation with Little about why her birth mummy might like to wear dangly earrings. I have had a conversation about what she might be wearing just now while we drew a picture of her.

This week I have had a conversation with Big about us not knowing anything about her birth father. About the fact that we don’t know his name. About how sorry I am about that.

This week I have had (many) conversations about the fact that it is okay to feel angry/scared/sad/worried/frustrated but it is not okay to hurt.

This week I have had a conversation with my husband about how isolated we feel. About the fact that at the moment we cannot go to see anyone because Big just can’t manage.

This week I have had a conversation with my husband about contact with birth parents.

This week I have had a conversation with Big about the fact that for most children, they don’t have lots of people taking care of them. They don’t have lots of moves. And about how that could be making her feel.

This week I have had a conversation with Little about how she misses birth mummy.

This week I have had (many) conversations with Little about dying. Trying to be honest but not causing more worry.

This week I have had a conversation with my husband about how many times this week I’ve had to gently smile, try to focus on helping the girls with what they’re feeling and to wonder how I’m feeling at a later point.

This week I’ve had a conversation with my husband and with Big about why she might find it so hard to come home when we go anywhere.

This week I’ve had a conversation with my husband about how we can give Little fun and happy experiences but make sure that Big still feels safe.

Some of these conversations have taken place very quietly before bed, some of them have taken place after I’ve been hurt and been screamed at. Some of them have taken place because they’ve been asked for, some of them have taken place because they’ve been needed. Some of them haven’t really been conversations, I’ve been talking but I haven’t had a reply.

Sometimes I wish that we could have a conversation about what exciting things we’re going to do in the holidays, where we’re going to go and who we’re going to see. I wish we could have a conversation about the little things that we have tried to plan for the holidays without it creating huge anxiety. I wish sometimes that we could just talk about the weather.

This week I’ve had a conversation with my husband about how huge our conversations seem to be. About the feelings they unleash or the new feelings that they can create. About the fact that so many of these conversations are shorter than they should be because we don’t have the answers.

So far this week I’ve had lots of conversations. And I’m sure there are still lots more to be had.

The best bits

We took the girls on the mountain bike track yesterday. They were both totally awesome. They tried so hard to pedal up the hills and were desperate to try more. Little could be heard shouting ‘wheeeee!’ as she went.

Today we played, ‘duck, duck, goose’ on the trampoline. Just me and the girls. It was interesting trying to run round in a circle on the trampoline and there was lots of giggling. It was fun.

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Conversations

  1. My theory is that, as long as you’re all still talking, it’s going well.
    It does sound like you’re having a lot of tough conversations. When I was a child, my family called these D&Ms (Deep & Meaningful). It does seem like our children have a lot more than I did. Sometimes, I wish I could give them the childhood that I had. Though, I never realised how simple my life was at the time!
    But, hurrah for the bikes! Sounds like they’re brilliant on them!

    Like

  2. The intensity is astounding. We’ve been there. We’re still there many weeks. The only time we actually talk about the weather is if it starts raining inside the house. That’s how intense life feels.

    For us we need to laugh. We’ve taken to checking out seasons of goofy comedies from the library and we binge watch- and laugh together.

    Hope you get a break from this intensity soon. The giggling sounds terrific!

    Liked by 1 person

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