Since January our house has been filled with rage, control, aggression and anger. It never feels to leave. We never seem to quite get to a point where there is calm before we’re off again.
It feels like we’re walking on eggshells, that we’re never sure what might start something, that we’re on tenterhooks all the time.
It feels like we’re constantly having to tweak routines in a way that doesn’t seem like we’re tweaking them. That we’re on hyper alert at all times. That we’re constantly watching.
And then yesterday Big went on a trip. It was a trip designed for children with additional needs. For the whole day, there was no pressure on her. There were no questions asked of her, no work to be completed, no 34 other children to manage constantly. And we had the first calm evening we’ve had for ages. I have NEVER seen her as animated as she was when she came back. I didn’t have to ask her anything, she volunteered it all. She smiled, a lot. She was calm. She was relaxed.
Today, Little had a ‘playday’ (as she likes to call it. I’m not sure when it stopped being ‘having someone over to play.) For an hour and forty minutes she just got to play and have fun. She wasn’t controlled, she wasn’t having to constantly placate the other person she was playing with, she could just play.
Yesterday and today mean such a lot in our house. Yesterday and today will keep us going.
The best bits
At gymnastics this week, Big walked across the high beam totally unaided. She did it forwards and sideways. She had a wee smile at the end.
Little could have a million best bits this week. When she went to sleep tonight, she moved her head so that I could lay down with our foreheads touching and she fell asleep like that. When we nipped to get Father’s Day stuff and she told the man at the till that ‘my daddy will smell nice when it’s daddy day. He will smell like oranges and blue.’ When she patiently helped me weed a flower bed. When she jumped up and down when her friend arrived today.