It’s off to work we go. Sort of. In 7 weeks anyway.
Never have I had more people tell me their own opinions than with this decision. Their opinions are generally:
‘It’ll be fine.” “Oh, it’ll be no bother.” “Oh, I bet you can’t wait.” And my personal favourite, “Oh, if you don’t make it into a big deal, the girls won’t either.”
But the thing is, it is a big deal. This has been the most stable period that the girls have ever had. For 3 years I have done every single pick up and drop off, I’ve been to every assembly, every show, every meeting. I’ve been there everyday. And I know that we’ve been really lucky that I could do that. We’ve had no money for 2 and a half years but it has kept our family together.
And now, three days a week, I’m suddenly not going to be there. Somebody else will be dropping them off and picking them up. Somebody else will be trying to work out what kind of day they’ve had. Somebody else will be trying to work out how Big is feeling from the micro signals that she gives out.
It’s going to be hard. Anything that Big needs to get ‘out’, she’s only going to have 2 hours between me getting home and bedtime (I know, I know, teachers finish at 3 don’t they? No.) Until (If) Big begins to really trust the people that are going to be looking after her, she’s going to have to keep everything in for longer. More time where she feels that she needs to be ‘fine’ and more time fizzing inside.
So I don’t think it is going to be ‘no bother’. For the girls it’s another change. Another moment in time where Big doesn’t feel safe. Another moment where she thinks that change means everything changes. We had pizza for tea on Thursday night instead of Friday last week and the repercussions were felt for days afterwards. Change is not ‘no bother’ in our house. Change is hard and extremely scary.
And I know there are positives, we’ll have a bit more money, I’ll be able to speak to adults again, but we’re heading for a big change here and it’s not going to be easy. Or fine. Or no big deal. It’s going to be the opposite of all of the above. And I’m a little bit terrified.
The best bits
When we were watching telly yesterday, Big leaned her head on my shoulder for a wee while.
Little’s friend came to play again yesterday. They played and giggled for over 2 hours. They negotiated things between them, they came to me for help when they needed and they had fun. It was very lovely.