My head understands that she cannot currently express herself in a way that she would like so that often it comes out in violence, in screams, in rudeness. But my heart wishes it didn’t.
My head understands that routine and structure and known places provide safety and ease a bit of the anxiety that she feels. But my heart wishes that we could go and explore somewhere new, just get in the car and go.
My head understands trauma bonds and the fact that sometimes the very sight of Little is enough to trigger. But my heart wishes that Little didn’t get hurt and controlled and manipulated.
My head understands that people are scary and that it’s hard work having to control everyone and make sure that they’re doing exactly what she needs them to do. But my heart wishes we could see people without meltdowns afterwards.
My head understands the need for total control at all times. But my heart wishes I could see her relaxed and able to enjoy the moment.
My head understands that she cannot say what is wrong. But my heart wishes I could help her.
My head understands that when you are incredibly anxious and hyper vigilant and hyper sensitive, it is incredibly difficult to go to sleep. But my heart wishes I could help her get a better sleep each night.
My thinking brain and my emotional brain are not marrying up at the moment. Big’s struggling hugely with the holidays and I’m not helping. I understand why things happen in the way that they do but I really wish they didn’t. My expectations need shifting again and it’s hard. Head and heart need to find a way to work together.
The best bits
We’ve had lots of fun in the water this holiday. We got the girls wetsuits and it’s made a huge difference to how long we can spend there. We’ve been out on the bodyboards, in the kayaks and in the canoe.
Last week Big asked if we could have a rainbow fence. This is the first time she’s asked if we can change anything in the house. So we now have a rainbow fence and we love it.
We went to see Spike on Sunday. Spike is very lovely. He cheered us all up.