‘I HATE being adoctered’

We’ve been at my niece’s christening today. Which prompted a discussion about what a christening is. Which prompted a discussion about when the girls first moved here. Which prompted a discussion about my niece not being adopted. Which prompted Little to say, ‘Oh, I HATE being adoctered.’

And I know what she means. Do I wish that adoption never needed to be part of her life? Always. Do I wish that I’d never adopted her? Never. And so those two opposing thoughts swirl through my mind constantly.

I wish that her first family had been able to look after her. I wish that she hadn’t been hurt. I wish that she hadn’t been neglected. I wish that she hadn’t suffered the trauma that she has. But if she hadn’t she wouldn’t be with me.

She really doesn’t like that her story is different. That she has no baby photos. That we have very little to tell her about the first 17 months of her life. She’s becoming more aware that her story is not the usual story and that she shouldn’t have had this to deal with. She loves birth mummy and she loves me. I can watch her thoughts cross her face sometimes and I can see her working it out. At the moment, Little is very good at telling us, at talking to us, at expressing herself. She’s able to have some help processing this.

Seeing your 4 year old trying to express that she hates that this happened but is still very happy that you’re her mummy is heartbreaking. As heartbreaking as watching your six year old not be able to express it at all.

So we told her story again and she joined in with bits and asked questions, some she’d asked before, some new ones. And I tried to answer as best I could. And when she told me it wasn’t fair, I cried with her and agreed with her. Because it’s really not fair.

The best bits

It’s been really wet here recently. We took the girls up to a waterfall that was huge due to the rain. Little went ‘WOW’ as soon as she saw it and both of them loved getting close enough to feel the spray off it.

We’ve been out on the bikes in the woods again. We cycle on a wee bit of single track then back onto the forest road. This time they both asked if they could do a bit more of the ‘biking mountain track.’ Before my husband had chance to say yes, Little was on her bike shouting ‘Come on guys, what you waiting for?’ They both cycled really well and loved the downhill bits.

I’ve managed to ride my bike 12 times in July. The most I’ve been out in a month in 3 years.

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