At the moment it feels that everything is a bubble. There are so many bubbles.
Going back to work is a bubble.
Little starting P1 is a bubble.
Big going into P2 is a bubble.
Wondering if Little is going to be able to wear any of the clothes we’ve got her for school is a bubble.
My relationship with Big.
My relationship with Little.
The girls’ relationships with each other.
How much time I spend with Big compared to how much time I spend with Little.
Trying to get people to understand our needs.
Birth mum currently living in our small town.
Little needing her own safe space.
Working out where we’re all going to sleep to allow this to happen.
Trying to get somebody in social work to speak to us.
Trying to work out different ways that we can help Big.
Trying to remember if I’ve told Little’s teachers everything that I needed to.
Little telling me she doesn’t feel safe.
Trying to find time that I can give them each some quality time.
Reading something new and realising how wrong I’ve been getting it.
Getting the food shopping.
Trying to get through the day and hope the girls are having wee bits of fun.
Still not knowing what I’m actually going to be doing when I go back to work.
Finding ways for them to be in the same space without Little getting hurt.
Trying to lower expectations.
Realising that even when I think we’re doing vaguely okay, we’re not.
Slowly realising that not even everything will ever be enough.
Keeping on being loving and kind and open when it’s constantly met with aggression, rudeness and unkind words.
Working out arrangements for what the girls are going to do when I go back to work.
Trying to help everybody get enough sleep.
Being a voice for the girls.
Working out and resourcing fine motor games to help Big.
Trying to help Little with her sensory needs each day.
Reflecting on the day and wondering where it could be different/better/easier.
All of these things are bubbles. Some are huge bubbles, some are small bubbles. And there are many more bubbles. But it feels as though that I can’t have anymore bubbles. One more big one and everything will explode everywhere and we won’t manage. I feel at the moment that I’m not doing enough for either of the girls and they’re really struggling. The next few months are going to be tricky. And there’s just too many bubbles.
The best bits
We went out on a stand up paddle board last week. The girls were awesome. Big lay on the front and was quite still and Little had amazing balance. We had a fab visit from a lovely Twitter friend and her girls (and her!) were amazing on it too.
We’ve had a very busy, quite sad weekend. Little was able to take herself to their bedroom and give herself the time she needed. She was able to voice that she didn’t want a kiss goodbye. I was very proud of her.