Change

Big is going into P2, change.

Little is starting P1, change.

I’m going back to work, change.

Grannie and Grandad are moving here, change.

Grannie and Grandad are going to be taking them to school, change.

Grannie and Grandad will be picking them up from school, change.

I won’t be there at the end of school, change.

PE will be on a different day, change.

Little will be in the playground, change.

And so many more.

For Big, everything is changing. Again. Her whole life has been so full of changes. These changes are big ones. They’re all happening at once. Change is ‘not good’ in our house. Change is scary, change means everything is changing. Change is to be fought. And fought and then fought again. It is less scary to be angry about it than be sad about it. Than to talk about how change makes them feel.

So she’s fighting. And she’s fighting me. I’m the reason for these changes. I’m making the world an even scarier place. So she fights. There have been brief moments where we’ve talked about the fear. But it’s mainly hidden behind the fight and I suspect there’s more fight to come. Change is coming to a very wobbly, very insecure base. I hope I’ve got enough to keep the base propped up.

The best bits

Big swam 2 consecutive lengths of the pool yesterday. She worked so hard to do it.

For the first time in 3 years, Little fell asleep without me being next to her. She said she felt okay and that I could go. I sat outside the door, when I peeked in, she was fast asleep.

 

 

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One thought on “Change

  1. Change – but wonderful support. Will be well worth it. You cannot be their security all the time – it has to be shared for your sake as well as theirs. In a few months hopefully the world will have stabilised and they and you will be stronger as will your base. Joanne and Eamon will be wonderful grand parents – the more positive you can really feel the more secure they will feel. It’s a big door to a bigger world but more secure not less. A new life for you all.

    Liked by 1 person

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