Last night putting Big to bed…
Me: It must have been really hard today with everything being different and everybody looking different.
Me: I wonder of you’re showing me this because actually it would be easier if you didn’t have to do these days but you can’t tell me about it?
Big (in a high pitched voice): I wonder if you’re showing me this because actually… argh.
Me: I know, it’s really hard. We don’t have to do them. We can say to school that it’s too hard.
Later putting Little to bed…
Little: I don’t want to be called Little.
Me: How come?
Little: I don’t like it.
Me: That’s the name that birth mummy and birth daddy chose for you.
Little: Ugh. I don’t want that name, I want a different name. I want mummy to choose it.
Me: If you still feel like this when you’re a bit older we can talk about what name you might like.
Little: Did you have other darlings* before me?
Me: No, you and Big are my only darlings.
Little: How come they choosed that you couldn’t be a birth mummy?
Me: I’m not sure lovely.
Little: I don’t want you to be my new mummy. I want you to be my birth mummy and my new mummy. Just be my birth mummy and then I wouldn’t have needed a new mummy.
Me: Oh darling.
Little: Mama sad?
Me: I’m sad that you’re sad.
Little: Baba sad.
Me: I know lovely, I’m so sorry.
Little: Cuddle. I love you.
They have such different ways of managing how they’re feeling, talking and not talking. And I’m hopeful that one day Big will find the words. And I’m sure that Little’s feelings will change about things. But sometimes it feels that I’m not able to help either of them. Finding the words to say to silence and the words to say to words are sometimes just as tricky.
*I must call them ‘darling’ a lot because darlings seems to have become the word for children. ‘How many darlings do they have?’