When I talk to the girls about their birth mum, I often refer to her as mum, especially when talking to Big. I tend to follow their lead and call her by whatever they choose to call her in the conversation we’re having at the time.
But when the psychologist referred to her as ‘her mum’ throughout a whole meeting we had on Friday, it really bothered me and I’m cross that it did.
It felt like there was a person missing at the meeting but also it felt like my place at the meeting was being minimised. I was merely the person doing an interim job.
I think for Big, this is possibly how she feels a lot of the time. There is a person missing from her life and I am the person currently doing the job of filling that role. She is still (and possibly will always be) waiting for me to leave. Everyone else has, so I will too. No amount of meetings where I fight for support for her, or every day of me being where I say I’m going to be, or putting her to bed each night, can take away the feeling of, ‘everyone else left, you will too.’ At the moment, Big is adamant that she doesn’t want to be here, she wants to be with birth mum.
The girls’ birth mum is currently living in our small town. The chances of one day having an unplanned meeting are quite high. I keep being told that birth mum would not be able to manage this and that the likelihood is that she would ‘run a mile if she saw the girls.’ The flippancy with which this statement is uttered makes me blood boil. Can you imagine if the main thing that you think about is seeing a person, and then if you happened to see that person she ‘ran a mile’? How do my children deal with that? How do I possibly explain it to them? How do I stop them feeling rejection all over again?
These assessments about birth mum are being made on assumptions. Nobody has spoken to her for four years. No one really has any understanding of how she would manage this. Everyone is looking at patterns of the past and assuming that that is the path that will be taken again. But they don’t know.
The uncertainties in this are obviously the biggest thing. We live with lots of ‘what ifs’ that might never come to anything but that we have to have a plan for just in case. I don’t know if we’ll ever need the plans but what I do know is that I don’t want my daughter’s first time of seeing her mum again to be on the street watching her ‘run a mile’. I don’t want it to be unplanned in front of people on the street. I want both the people involved in it to feel they have some control over it.
I’ll be honest, I have lots of ‘sometimes I wish’ moments. Sometimes I wish that this was something that wasn’t happening. Sometimes I wish that ‘mum’ didn’t mean two people. Mostly I wish that I could somehow stop my children from having to feel the way they do. But then they wouldn’t be my children.
The best bits
We had a snow day this week. We sledged, we threw snowballs and we made a snow house. There were some moments of fun and it was good.
We went for a walk yesterday in some huge snow drifts. It was good fun seeing them jump into them and try to work out when they might fall through them or when they might stay on the top.
The girls have just started to sing along to songs (that are not Disney related) in the car. Listening to Little singing Kiss ‘I was made for lovin’ you’ is quite possibly one of my most favourite things ever.